19.8.12
19.4.11
Cold fingers, cold toes, cold heart
So I was trying to decide how to waste 30 minutes while the towels dry so I can take a shower when lo! and behold I remembered the sad and lonely blog that I've neglected for months. I was sitting in a staff meeting yesterday, and they were talking about blogs and sensitive info getting out and all I could think was, "Man, the last thing I want to do when I get home from work is blog about work; I can barely remember to blog about being an atheist more than once a quarter." I'm so terrible at this.
Cold fingers and toes because our basement is FREEZING (in a very literal way. snow? in april? are you fucking kidding me?) Cold heart because...well. It sounded good. That and I'm fairly angry at some inter-family bs that's going on right now.
I've got a half-thought-up atheistic blog in the works that maybe I'll finish tonight. Otherwise...lookout christians. I'm sending my atheist vibes into the world.
Easter is this weekend...right? I should probably have some thoughts on that, and I more than likely do, but my brain is frozen right now so that all I can type out with frozen fingers is this random stream of consciousness junk.
So, this really isn't a post about being an atheist. It's just a post by an atheist, which is probably offensive enough for most people these days.
Cold fingers and toes because our basement is FREEZING (in a very literal way. snow? in april? are you fucking kidding me?) Cold heart because...well. It sounded good. That and I'm fairly angry at some inter-family bs that's going on right now.
I've got a half-thought-up atheistic blog in the works that maybe I'll finish tonight. Otherwise...lookout christians. I'm sending my atheist vibes into the world.
(Edit: Ha, the other post showed up with a date of feb. 10. Take that time-space continuum)
Easter is this weekend...right? I should probably have some thoughts on that, and I more than likely do, but my brain is frozen right now so that all I can type out with frozen fingers is this random stream of consciousness junk.
So, this really isn't a post about being an atheist. It's just a post by an atheist, which is probably offensive enough for most people these days.
10.2.11
Contradictions
So, in my new (edit: new-ish? it's been almost 9 months) job, I have the wonderful ability to plug in my headphones and listen to whatever I like. Hell, I can even use the speakers I brought in from home to listen if I'd like. It's nice an office. The upshot of this perk is that I've been listening to a lot of backlogs of public radio shows, like CarTalk, This American Life, and RadioLab, and various podcast (which I'd never really understood the appeal of until now).
Of course, when it comes to listening to shows like This American Life, I'm going to end up listening to some story with a christian bent of some sort, whether it be a story about christians, by christians, or for christians. Mostly their shows have topics other than religion, but occasionally there's a story that just rubs me the wrong way, or straight up flabbergasts me.
I came across one of these shows not too long ago (episode 304: Heretics: the story of Reverend Carlton Pearson
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/304/heretics) which overall I found to be an interesting story, particularly when looking at the divisions that arise within the christian factions. However, there was one particular sentence in the show that got me all worked up. It comes about at about 4 minutes 27 seconds into the show, but you should probably listen from 4 minutes onward if you're going to get the whole gist of it. He's discussing an event from his youth where he cast the devil out of his girlfriend, and how at the time, he believed in devils and so he saw them. This single statement is such a telling part of religion, and one of my core ideas in understanding why religions are they way they are:
"So, if you believe it, you experience it."
I literally stood up when he said this (once again, a perk of having an office is that I can look like an idiot in private). This man is still a pastor, still a believer (though not in devils, which is the whole point of that radio show. It's worth a listen if you don't know the story) and yet, this sentence falls from his lips.
I just simply cannot understand how a person can utter these words as an explanation as to why he no longer believes in the existence of evil spirits and devils, but does not recognize the next step that the same logic holds true for the good spirits and angels and gods. The hypocrisy leaves me very nearly speechless.
Though not quiet, or else I wouldn't have much of a blog post.
Christians seem to do this rather often if you ask me. They use one bit of logic when it suits them, but fail to understand that logic is logic, no matter what you apply it to, holds true throughout.
The idea that you will experience something if you believe in it is one that took me a very long time to understand. I used to think that I experienced god. I would try to see god in the world around me because I believed in god. It is a hard cycle to break, because it is self sustaining, each half of the cycle supporting the other. I believe, therefore I experience, and I experience, therefore I believe.
I only broke the cycle through a long period of self reflection, which I only managed because I stopped one part of another, closely related cycle, that of going to church. (Going to church bolsters my believe, so I believe strongly enough that I want to go to church and be 'with god'.) It took a long time to realize that fact about myself, and about the world around me.
Likely the response to this argument against religion is that I believe in other things (i.e. evolution, various scientific phenomena) so I experience them, but therein lies the differences between religion and science. I don't have to 'believe' in science. There is evidence, there are facts, to support the science. I don't have to believe in the weather god for it to snow in April (fucking weather god). It snows in April in Wisconsin because the empirical atmospheric conditions are in the right state to create snow.
Of course, when it comes to listening to shows like This American Life, I'm going to end up listening to some story with a christian bent of some sort, whether it be a story about christians, by christians, or for christians. Mostly their shows have topics other than religion, but occasionally there's a story that just rubs me the wrong way, or straight up flabbergasts me.
I came across one of these shows not too long ago (episode 304: Heretics: the story of Reverend Carlton Pearson
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/304/heretics) which overall I found to be an interesting story, particularly when looking at the divisions that arise within the christian factions. However, there was one particular sentence in the show that got me all worked up. It comes about at about 4 minutes 27 seconds into the show, but you should probably listen from 4 minutes onward if you're going to get the whole gist of it. He's discussing an event from his youth where he cast the devil out of his girlfriend, and how at the time, he believed in devils and so he saw them. This single statement is such a telling part of religion, and one of my core ideas in understanding why religions are they way they are:
"So, if you believe it, you experience it."
I literally stood up when he said this (once again, a perk of having an office is that I can look like an idiot in private). This man is still a pastor, still a believer (though not in devils, which is the whole point of that radio show. It's worth a listen if you don't know the story) and yet, this sentence falls from his lips.
I just simply cannot understand how a person can utter these words as an explanation as to why he no longer believes in the existence of evil spirits and devils, but does not recognize the next step that the same logic holds true for the good spirits and angels and gods. The hypocrisy leaves me very nearly speechless.
Though not quiet, or else I wouldn't have much of a blog post.
Christians seem to do this rather often if you ask me. They use one bit of logic when it suits them, but fail to understand that logic is logic, no matter what you apply it to, holds true throughout.
The idea that you will experience something if you believe in it is one that took me a very long time to understand. I used to think that I experienced god. I would try to see god in the world around me because I believed in god. It is a hard cycle to break, because it is self sustaining, each half of the cycle supporting the other. I believe, therefore I experience, and I experience, therefore I believe.
I only broke the cycle through a long period of self reflection, which I only managed because I stopped one part of another, closely related cycle, that of going to church. (Going to church bolsters my believe, so I believe strongly enough that I want to go to church and be 'with god'.) It took a long time to realize that fact about myself, and about the world around me.
Likely the response to this argument against religion is that I believe in other things (i.e. evolution, various scientific phenomena) so I experience them, but therein lies the differences between religion and science. I don't have to 'believe' in science. There is evidence, there are facts, to support the science. I don't have to believe in the weather god for it to snow in April (fucking weather god). It snows in April in Wisconsin because the empirical atmospheric conditions are in the right state to create snow.
7.2.11
Return of the Atheist
So, it's been a while, I know. Lots to catch up on, and lots of pent up atheistic babble.
The job that I mentioned in my last post is now mine, and I've been here for six months. Things are going great, and in general, I've got nothing to complain about. However, despite the new job, I'm still the same Atheist girl...woman...whatever, with the same problems and frustrations. So, look forward to another random stint of blogging about ...stuff.
Woo.
The job that I mentioned in my last post is now mine, and I've been here for six months. Things are going great, and in general, I've got nothing to complain about. However, despite the new job, I'm still the same Atheist girl...woman...whatever, with the same problems and frustrations. So, look forward to another random stint of blogging about ...stuff.
Woo.
4.6.10
Old Ways Die Hard
I used to be catholic. Shocking, I know, but true. I used to be not only a catholic, but a good Catholic with a capital C, with Sunday school and everything. I even tried my hand at a little good ol' conversion of the heathens, though without much success.
It wasn't until I moved away to college that my eyes opened to see a big wide world out there where I couldn't rationalize the existence of god/s any longer. I lived across the street from a catholic church without attending a single time in two years, though I think I went to a final mass at christmas of my sophomore year and my sister called me a hypocrite for taking the eucharist, and I realized she was absolutely right.
Anyways, the point of this is that I used to believe, and hard. I would pray a lot, sometimes consciously; more often I was just hoping really hard for some help. At the time, I thought it was god that would do it, because I was a special child of his and he loved me. 'Help me Jesus, I can't be pregnant.' Or 'Oh God, please let me get into the Air Force Academy.' I remember praying really hard while I was in basic training for help and guidance. The one thing to my credit at the time (when I was struggling with a back injury) was to draw the line when my mother suggested that I have the chaplain anoint my back with holy oils. That seemed like plain old hokum to me even in those days.
What I realize now is that I wasn't looking for help from on high, but just help from someone. I know now that I could have gone to my mother and asked for her to take me to the doctor to get birth control, or I could have taken an even simpler route and driven my car down to the local Planned Parenthood. Not only did I need help in getting into the AFA, but I got help getting in from all of my friends and family. Everyone was totally supportive of me, and I was just venting my worry in a way that was familiar to me.
I did a seminar a couple years back called Insight. Some people find it to be very spiritual, where as I found it to be very self empowering. There's an idea at the seminar to 'put things in the light.' To those that find the seminar to be related to some sort of faith or spirituality, this can mean praying to a specific diety, or putting your vibes out into the Universe as a whole. To me this idea is to simply let people (most particularly YOURSELF) know that you need help. Or that you need anything for that matter. Simply put, if you let those people that care about you know that you need help, they're going to try to help you. And not because god told them to.
On to the point:
Occasionally it happens now that I relapse. Recently it's happened because I have a job interview coming up and it's not just that I want the job (I do, very badly), but I need the job, because my other job isn't going so well. I've found myself at least once since my first contact from the company silently asking someone for help. 'Please,' I might say to the stifling hot air of my car after a long day at my current position that I loathe, 'Please, I really need this job.' I'm ashamed to admit that I have once said 'Oh god, I need this fucking job.'
Now, my use of the word 'god' is a knee jerk reflex used in many situations, and simply because of 18 years of habit that my 2 in spiritual uncertainty and my 20 somethings in solid, staunch atheism haven't been able to break me of yet. Some examples include:
God damn it, I stubbed my fucking toe.
Jesus Christ, that's an ugly car.
God you're dumb.
And of course, most importantly:
Oh god, that feels sooooooo gooooooooooooood.
However, when the words 'Oh god, I need this fucking job,' escaped my mouth, I was instantly appalled. Did I just pray? To a god I know doesn't exist?
The true answer: No. Of course not. 'Oh god,' is a phrase that I use probably 20 or more times a day. Mostly in the ordinary ways: 'Oh god, I don't want to go to my fucking lame ass job.' 'Oh god, 5 more hours in the fucking cubicle.' 'Oh god, someone kill me right now.' If I'm lucky, a couple of the usages will be accompanied by heavy breathing and sweaty bodies.
The truth is I was doing what I know everyone does. Proclaiming the need for help, or simply expressing their worries aloud. I know there's no god that's going to help me get a new job. It depends only on me, my skills, and my ability to not fuck up an interview. What I can do however, is let the people around me know that I'm worried and get their support.
In the end, I actually find it comforting to understand all of this about myself. Like I said, it's empowering to know that I control my destiny.
9.4.10
Seperation of Church and Everything Part 1: Education
Following in my line of 'Get your Christianity out of my face' posts, I'd like to start a series of posts. Some of my other posts probably belong in this series, but I'm too lazy to go back and re title/incorporate them.
I currently work for a large, private university (can you guess which one?) and as an employee here, I get to take classes for free, either at a physical campus or online. So, I recently started a new online class here that, as far as I can tell, is a secular subject: Programming. Unless I'm trying to create an army of atheistic robots, I fail to see how religion relates to algorithms and do-loops.
So the first assignment in each class is to post a short autobiography. It's basically an online version of standing up in front of a class and introducing yourself. But with the freedom of typing out pretty much as much about yourself as you want to, I feel that sometimes people go too far and tell me more than I really give a crap about.
The professors start this whole process off by posting a blurb about themselves. I started reading my professor's post on Tuesday with growing interest. The man is the same type of learner I am, spreading out his Master's degree over 10 years (my two bachelor's degrees took me 8, and I'm 'working on' a third for as long as I'm employed) and he seems like a really interesting dude.
Then it all falls down. Here starts a new paragraph to begin talking about hobbies, and mentions that "My faith is everything to me." With a large sigh and a shake of my head, I read through the rest of the biography. My thoughts at this point in time were clear: The last thing I need to know about my professor is their religious affiliation.
It's not that his faith is going to cause me to not like the man any more or less than I would have already. Like everyone, I have friends of multiple religious bents. However, there's something about announcing his religious affiliation in a classroom setting that rubs me the wrong way.
I'm not sure exactly which one of my sensibilities is offended in this case. In general, I don't think that religion has a place in a classroom. Of course, the exception to the rule would be a class dealing with a religion as a subject (Hell, even I've taken a course called 'Religion and the State'). In another way though, I could be upset because it seems like he's acting the way most Americans do and is assuming that everyone in the class is a christian. His whole statement was this:
"My faith is everything to me, and I am very active in a wonderful church family here in Tulsa and with the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. My wife and I also volunteer for a wonderful ministry to young women in crisis called Crisis Pregnancy Outreach of Oklahoma."
So supposedly, to him, faith is synonymous with christianity. At least, that's the way it seems to me.
From a third aspect, I think I'm offended because if I were to mention being an atheist, and my atheistic ministering (I don't think I really have any of this, unless this blog counts) and my love of Darwin, I'd be willing to put good money down on someone calling me out on it as inappropriate. If there were equality, and I was protected in the same ways as my christian professor, I don't think this issue would bother me. It's the double standard that's associated with religion and the lack there off that gets under my skin the most. Announcing your Christian faith is viewed as a virtue, letting the rest of us know that you're a moral, upstanding citizen. My announcement of my Atheism means that I'm outing myself as one of the most distrusted people in America.
I currently work for a large, private university (can you guess which one?) and as an employee here, I get to take classes for free, either at a physical campus or online. So, I recently started a new online class here that, as far as I can tell, is a secular subject: Programming. Unless I'm trying to create an army of atheistic robots, I fail to see how religion relates to algorithms and do-loops.
So the first assignment in each class is to post a short autobiography. It's basically an online version of standing up in front of a class and introducing yourself. But with the freedom of typing out pretty much as much about yourself as you want to, I feel that sometimes people go too far and tell me more than I really give a crap about.
The professors start this whole process off by posting a blurb about themselves. I started reading my professor's post on Tuesday with growing interest. The man is the same type of learner I am, spreading out his Master's degree over 10 years (my two bachelor's degrees took me 8, and I'm 'working on' a third for as long as I'm employed) and he seems like a really interesting dude.
Then it all falls down. Here starts a new paragraph to begin talking about hobbies, and mentions that "My faith is everything to me." With a large sigh and a shake of my head, I read through the rest of the biography. My thoughts at this point in time were clear: The last thing I need to know about my professor is their religious affiliation.
It's not that his faith is going to cause me to not like the man any more or less than I would have already. Like everyone, I have friends of multiple religious bents. However, there's something about announcing his religious affiliation in a classroom setting that rubs me the wrong way.
I'm not sure exactly which one of my sensibilities is offended in this case. In general, I don't think that religion has a place in a classroom. Of course, the exception to the rule would be a class dealing with a religion as a subject (Hell, even I've taken a course called 'Religion and the State'). In another way though, I could be upset because it seems like he's acting the way most Americans do and is assuming that everyone in the class is a christian. His whole statement was this:
"My faith is everything to me, and I am very active in a wonderful church family here in Tulsa and with the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. My wife and I also volunteer for a wonderful ministry to young women in crisis called Crisis Pregnancy Outreach of Oklahoma."
So supposedly, to him, faith is synonymous with christianity. At least, that's the way it seems to me.
From a third aspect, I think I'm offended because if I were to mention being an atheist, and my atheistic ministering (I don't think I really have any of this, unless this blog counts) and my love of Darwin, I'd be willing to put good money down on someone calling me out on it as inappropriate. If there were equality, and I was protected in the same ways as my christian professor, I don't think this issue would bother me. It's the double standard that's associated with religion and the lack there off that gets under my skin the most. Announcing your Christian faith is viewed as a virtue, letting the rest of us know that you're a moral, upstanding citizen. My announcement of my Atheism means that I'm outing myself as one of the most distrusted people in America.
1.4.10
Music for Atheists
First I'll explain the title. I recently downloaded a fantastic album called Music for Spaceports by an artist called MrVoletron. Along with a number of highly amusing techno songs using voice clips from World of Warcraft, it seems that MrVoletron also plays Eve Online, and wanted to create his own music for spaceports. It's a wonderful album of ambient music, and for $5 and the chance to support an independent artist so he can keep amusing me with Warcraft Remixes (Still waiting for that Bonestorm remix, sir), I couldn't resist.
At any rate, this post is aimed at the presence of various deities in music, and the cynicism or lack there of that comes with it.
I actively listen to music (not just having it on in the background while I play nerdy video games) a lot more than I've done in recent years now that I have a full time job. In the midst of morning traffic (approximately 15 minutes) and afternoon traffic (approximately 30 minutes thanks to the assholes at city planning blocking up my main avenue of travel from now until JULY!), and my lunch hour usually spent at my desk not answering calls and reading various online blogs or browsing craigslist. During two, and sometimes all three, of these daily activities, I have my IPod out and music a-going. In the morning on the way to work, I usually listen to the morning show on the local rock station. The Morning Sickness is actually a fairly amusing show, even if the main dude is infuriatingly chauvinistic sometimes. However, sometimes on my way to work, and always on my lunch break and my way home, I'm looking to listen to good, hard music to help me work out the frustrations of my day. And I have a new recent favorite.
Maynard, the musical genius behind Tool and A Perfect Circle, has a lesser known side project called Puscifer (get it?). Though I don't worship every song Puscifer has put out, most of which are on my IPod, there are several that I do, in fact, absolutely adore.
So, you might be asking yourself, What does this have to do with Atheism? Well, here it is. There are several songs that I enjoy, not necessarily by Maynard (there are many others) that either make negative references to christianity or other sorts of references that are so much negative as they are unsavory.
The most blatant example of these is Judith by A Perfect Circle. With a line like "Fuck your God, your Lord, your Christ," it's pretty obvious why. However the song that really put this blog post in mind is a song by Puscifer called Rev 22:20, which I absolutely adore. Not only is it one of the sexiest songs I've heard in a long time (Maynard's voice does special things to me), but it uses some of the best euphemisms (or perhaps it's just an innuendo, or maybe a double entendre) that I've ever heard. Namely, "I know Christ is coming, but so am I," and "Jesus is risen, and it's no surprise." Since the entire song is basically about sex, the meaning of these statements is clear. There's also the lovely aspect that the album cover of Don't Shoot the Messenger is a 'don't shoot me' type of illustration of the stereotypical Jesus Christ.
Now I have no idea what religion Maynard attaches himself to, if he even does, but as an atheist, these lyrics elicit a grin every time I hear them.
What this all boils down to is an insecurity I'm having about my integrity. There is a part of me that feels that I should be above finding a sort of cynical enjoyment that I get from hearing these songs; and then there's the part of me that gets the enjoyment. I usually go through life in a self assured air of maturity, but with these songs, I feel like, if only for 4 minutes and 42 seconds, I'm not the mature Atheist I thought myself to be.
At any rate, this post is aimed at the presence of various deities in music, and the cynicism or lack there of that comes with it.
I actively listen to music (not just having it on in the background while I play nerdy video games) a lot more than I've done in recent years now that I have a full time job. In the midst of morning traffic (approximately 15 minutes) and afternoon traffic (approximately 30 minutes thanks to the assholes at city planning blocking up my main avenue of travel from now until JULY!), and my lunch hour usually spent at my desk not answering calls and reading various online blogs or browsing craigslist. During two, and sometimes all three, of these daily activities, I have my IPod out and music a-going. In the morning on the way to work, I usually listen to the morning show on the local rock station. The Morning Sickness is actually a fairly amusing show, even if the main dude is infuriatingly chauvinistic sometimes. However, sometimes on my way to work, and always on my lunch break and my way home, I'm looking to listen to good, hard music to help me work out the frustrations of my day. And I have a new recent favorite.
Maynard, the musical genius behind Tool and A Perfect Circle, has a lesser known side project called Puscifer (get it?). Though I don't worship every song Puscifer has put out, most of which are on my IPod, there are several that I do, in fact, absolutely adore.
So, you might be asking yourself, What does this have to do with Atheism? Well, here it is. There are several songs that I enjoy, not necessarily by Maynard (there are many others) that either make negative references to christianity or other sorts of references that are so much negative as they are unsavory.
The most blatant example of these is Judith by A Perfect Circle. With a line like "Fuck your God, your Lord, your Christ," it's pretty obvious why. However the song that really put this blog post in mind is a song by Puscifer called Rev 22:20, which I absolutely adore. Not only is it one of the sexiest songs I've heard in a long time (Maynard's voice does special things to me), but it uses some of the best euphemisms (or perhaps it's just an innuendo, or maybe a double entendre) that I've ever heard. Namely, "I know Christ is coming, but so am I," and "Jesus is risen, and it's no surprise." Since the entire song is basically about sex, the meaning of these statements is clear. There's also the lovely aspect that the album cover of Don't Shoot the Messenger is a 'don't shoot me' type of illustration of the stereotypical Jesus Christ.
Now I have no idea what religion Maynard attaches himself to, if he even does, but as an atheist, these lyrics elicit a grin every time I hear them.
What this all boils down to is an insecurity I'm having about my integrity. There is a part of me that feels that I should be above finding a sort of cynical enjoyment that I get from hearing these songs; and then there's the part of me that gets the enjoyment. I usually go through life in a self assured air of maturity, but with these songs, I feel like, if only for 4 minutes and 42 seconds, I'm not the mature Atheist I thought myself to be.
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